Artemis Fowl: The Summoning
by invisiblelizard
Summary: In which ... I dunno... stuff happens... I guess...
1. It begins

Disclaimer: If I owned any Artemis Fowl characters, I wouldn't be sitting here writing a fanfic.

For all you idjits out there: That's 'sarcasm' for 'I don't own any of these people, please don't sue me!'

NTS: Staying up until you decide to actually USE the name you have on is generally a bad idea. But who the frak cares?

Anyways, ON WITH THE STORY!

Butler knocked lightly on the door and stepped inside. He was carrying a goat-skin bag. Not the easiest thing to find in KMart, but he did it.

Artemis looked up. "Ah, good. The ... materials. Set them over there."

Artemis wasn't in his best state of mind. In fact, he was bored as hell. And covered with chalk dust. He didn't exactly look... well, sane.

"Sir... Artemis... why, exactly, are you doing this, again?" Butler didn't know why he added 'again' there. He hadn't, after all, asked that before.

Artemis' eyes went blank and his shoulders slacked. "I don't entirely know, Butler. But... I feel compelled..." he then went on drawing circles in the wooden flooring with the chalk. There was a large, intricate design that, as far as Butler knew, Artemis had worked on all five nights he had been awake.

Meanwhile, in my room, I laugh madly at the screen. Or, I would if my parents weren't in the next room, and it weren't 3:32 AM.

"Eat the flesh of babies," I whisper to Artemis. "Bow to the darklord."

"So... you're saying you're hearing voices...?"

"Essentially. I suppose. Yes."

"They aren't telling you to burn things or anything, are they?"  
"No, don't be silly!"

"Right. Okay."

"Is this a problem?"

"What? No. Just checking."

"Right, then. DON'T STEP THERE! Thank you."

Butler decided now was a good time to leave.

Artemis rummaged through the bag, ignoring the smell that goat-skin bags tend to get in the late afternoon when they hadn't been properly skinned and/or washed.

"Ah-HA!" He muttered to himself when he found the books he needed.

What does Artemis DO?? Find out... NEXT TIME! Same fan place, same fic channel!


	2. It continues

Again: I don't own anything. I don't even own myself. Eoin Colfer's characters are, obviously, Eoin Colfer's. So, stop with the lawyers, already!

NTS: Updating three minutes after the first update... not the best of ideas.

-----

Artemis wasn't in his best state of mind. In fact, he was bored as hell. And covered with chalk dust. He didn't exactly look... well, sane.

--

Wait a minute! We did that part already! hits fast forward

--

The book was heavy and leather bound. The enscription on the spine was not ment for human eyes. He blew the dust off the cover, despite the fact that there wasn't any. He opened it to a random page.

Ah, now THIS looked promising.

He'd need a pregnant woman, though.

--What? No way! Scratch that.--

He wouldn't need a pregnant woman, though. Why that was a problem was beyond him.

The book was written in the silvery blood of the spirits of the hefferworld. It smelled strongly of beef.

"Ooga knockers, ooga knockers!" Arty chanted, dancing around the circle. Unfortunately, something went horribly wrong!  
Well, two things. Come to mention it, three things. The first was that Artemis wasn't a good dancer. Don't look, children!!

The second was that, because of the bad dancing, Artemis scuffed the chalk on the floor.

The third escapes the author's mind at the moment. She supposes that brings the tally up to four problems. She doesn't really care, though.

Artemis had no way of knowing these things, though. Well, actually, he probably knew he was a bad dancer. The author apologises for all these tangents she's going off on.

The room filled with a bright pink light, which started at the innermost circle and spiralled its way to the walls. It did this in three fiftieths of a second, and so it seemed that the girl was just standing there suddenly.

"Teh frak?" she said. She looked around.

Arty looked confused. The girl was tallish, thinnish, palish, and nothing like a fish. She had long dark hair and dark eyes, and was wearing a pair of jeans and a black shirt. She did not look like an Al at all.

"Are you an Al?" he asked, just to be on the safe side.

"What? No! That's silly! What kind? The kind that plays the accordion or the kind that wears a pointed hat covered in bells?"

"The demon."  
"Yeah, see, you did the dance wrong. You didn't summon a demon, you summoned... uhm... what was it again?"  
"You?"

"Yeah, that's it. So, what did you want an Al for, anyways?"

"I was bored."

"Ah, yeah. I got an Oni like that, once. Bad times for all. Cured the boredom, though. You need a shower."

Artemis looked down at himself. His once well groomed clothing was now pale and ragged looking in the thick layering of dust on it. He brushed hs hands off. "Well, you need... a banana."

"Huh?"

"Yes. I suggest you find one while I get cleaned up." he walked out of the room before the girl could protest.

"What an odd person..." the girl went off in search of a banana.


	3. It is still there

Disclaimer: Characters are not owned by me.

NTS: Stuff.

-----

The girl walked down the stairs to the kitchen, where one would expect to find a banana. There was a tall bald man there, instead.

"Hello!" the girl said cheerfully.

'I Want Candy' could be heard being sung from somewhere upstairs.

Butler glanced in the music's direction, then back to the girl. "Who are you?"

"My name's Jessica!" no it wasn't.

"Did Artemis summon you?"

"Yep!" not intentionally, though.

"Why?"

He didn't have a reason. "To find a banana!"

This confused the bodyguard moreso than Artemis randomly summoning a girl. His charge was deathly allergic to yellow.

"Not for him, though."

Ah, that made more sense.

"He wants me to find a banana because he says I need one."

"I...see."

"I'm going to go find one, now."

"Okay."

"See ya."

"Fine, then."

"G'bye!"

She walked out of the kitchen. Where else would one expect to find a banana in a house? Of course! In the Attic! Did Artemis have an attic? Why not. He's got everything else.

So, she followed the stairs until she could go up no more. Then she went up a bit further. She realised she had gone too far and went down a ways. Here it was. The attic.

It was a large attic. Probably not big enough to fit a football field into, but still pretty darn big. It was also filled with boxes.

So, where to start? Boxes after boxes of what could possibly be bananas. Well, there was a box next to her. It smelled of wednesday. She migh as well start there.

Meanwhile, Artemis was cleaned up as well as could be expected under the current circumstances. Which were pretty good, actually. So, naturally, he looked almost at his best. No one would be able to tell from his appearance that he had a voice in his head telling him what to wear.

Back with the random chick looking for a banana: She had been through fifty nine point seven two boxes, and had yet to even smell a fruit of any sort. Did they have any bananas at ALL in Fowl Manor?

No matter. She had been summoned and would do what she was told until what she was told to do was done. She would find a banana, even if it meant going down to the supermarket to buy one with her own money.

Wait a second... that wasn't a bad idea...

WHAT wasn't a bad idea?? ((As if you couldn't figure it out...)) Find out if this plan works or not, NEXT time! Same fan place, same fic channel!


	4. The anticlimax!

Disclaimer: I'm a bum. I live under a bridge. I don't even own the computer I'm writing this on, let alone the Artemis Fowl characters. I also don't own KMart.

((The author would like it known the above was a joke and she is not a bum, though she still doesn't own any of these characters (or KMart). Technically she doesn't even own the mary sue (which she only put in there because she was bored)))

NTS: I'm sorry, but I'm breaking up with you. I just can't see us going on any longer. I've been seeing someone else for three years. I know you'll understand. I hope you find someone who deserves you more than I do.

-----

Artemis fell down the stairs to the main hall. He fell because there was, for some reason, a rubber ducky on the steps. Long way to fall, too.

He walked into the kitchen. Butler was there.

"Good evening, Butler. How goes it?"

Like I said before: Artemis wasn't exactly in his usual frame of mind. Besides, this is the author's fanfic and she'll write Arty however she darn well pleases.

Butler looked back in the direction the music was coming from earlier, again. This time because there was a spider on the wall. Or was it a crack? No, it was a spider. He then looked back at his charge.

"Artemis, sir, there was a girl in here, earlier. She said she needed a banana."

"I know. I summoned her. Where is she?"  
"She went shopping. Juliet went with her."

"Oh dear."

--

Juliet ran to catch up with the girl who's name was not Jessica. "Wait up!"

The not-Jessica turned around. "Come on! It's vital that I get this banana immediately!"  
"Why?!"

"Hell if I know. C'mon!" she started running. There had to be a banana store around here somewhere.

Aha! KMart! That's good enough. They're sure to have bananas!

--

"How long ago did they leave?"

"About twelve minutes ago."

Just then! The doorbell rang. Not exactly the most exciting thing in the world, the author knows. But it's better than the phone. She means, who will it be?? Will it be the random chick? Will Juliet be with her? Will it be Artemis' grandfather? Will it be that mafia dude, back for revenge from the disintegrating money? We may never know!  
Unless Artemis answers the door, which he does.

In all honesty, Butler should have answered the door.

Oh well.

It was the random chick. Juliet was with her.

"I got the banana!" She shouted. "Wanna see?"

Artemis gibbered. He was allergic to yellow!

She pulled a banana out of a goat-skin bag. It was green.

"Banana's aren't in season, so there weren't any ripe ones."

"Oh thank Gods." Artemis muttered, "Very... um... good, I guess."

"So, what next?"

-----

That's a very good question! You know the drill - Tune in next time to find out!


	5. It stagnates

Disclaimer: Insert mildly funny random disclaimer here including the information that the author does not own the Artemis Fowl characters, KMart, or the Mary Sue in this fanfic here.

NTS: I can't believe you're breaking up with me. After all we've been through. I gave up so much for you, and now you want to call it all off. I don't believe you. I know where you live, you (!&!!!

Reviews:

MissMaryoftheSue: Thanks! salutes back

Sorceress5: Yeah, he appearantly got into trouble. : Thanks for the review!

silversilk: You know, that's not a bad idea!

neutralgal: Your wish is my command!

DarkKestrelArwenSilkeQueen: I know! I don't think I've ever written anything so suspenseful before!

harypotrfreak: Thanks!

Anonymous: I hate it when authors are buttholes, too! pretends to know what she's talking about

Princess Ariana: She finds the banana. Or Arty sends her off to look for a banana. Or something. 

Wow, I was really behind on the reviews... but you all don't care about that. You want this:

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Artemis grabbed the banana from her and threw it over his shoulder.

"Hey!"

"I'll have to send you back, now."

"What?"

"To where you came from."

"But... but I don't WANNA leave!"  
"I can't keep you here!"

"Why not?"

"Because you're a poorly developed character who's only purpose was to keep the story from being boring in the first place, and whom the author only threw in because she was out of ideas to advance the plot."

"Huh?"

"You don't belong here."

"But I CAN belong here, if you'd just LET me!"  
"No, actually. You'd still be a poorly developed character who's only purpose had been served."

"Are you saying I'm useless?"

"Yes. The plot's alreading getting boring. We should speed this up a bit."

--Wait a minute, where'd the fourth wall go?--

"So, I have to leave." it wasn't a question.

"Yes." Artemis answered it anyways.

"Don't I get to say goodbye?"

"Go ahead."

"Goodbye!"

"Goodbye."

Artemis erased the chalk markings in the study. The girl was gone. So was the banana. Except...

Except, he was still bored. Obviously summoning something didn't help. He had barely anything to do with the last one. He made a mental note not to try that until he got some dance lessons. Maybe playing some DDR would help.

Now that's a silly visual. Artemis playing DDR.

Boy, he was bored. He had to do something about that.

-----

Sorry it's so short: I really don't know what's going to happen next, yet. New, longer update soon!


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